I WROTE THIS SATIRE

EDIT: If you find this, I will say that I did write it. But some of it had been edited.

It was in 2003 that I wrote the satire entitled ‘THE PHILIPPINES IS WHERE..’ It was written in friendster back when they had just added the blogging feature; somehow made its way to other people’s desks. Today, that post came back to me in an email. The post came back editted (not surprising since 4 years have already gone) but the main points were kept.

If you are disappointed by this post, please know what a satire is; some people think of it as a way to lambast the Philippines which was not the purpose of my writing. I only made the list to point to the peculiarity of the pinoy life. If you ever think that exaggerations were present, please read this.

I dont remember everything but I’m writing edits in red.

THE PHILIPPINES IS WHERE… (please dont forget the title when you repost)

50. Where the most happening places is not where the party is. Instead it’s where the gang wars happen, where women strip and where the people overthrow a president.
(not as originally written. My grammar is not this bad.)

49. Where even doctors, lawyers and engineers are unemployed.
48. Where everyone has his personal ghost story.
(This is how I know it came from me. This was how I described Manila to a friend from Baguio. Oddly enough, if you type “where everyone has his personal ghost story” in google or yahoo, you will know the extent of the satire’s spreading. ahehehe. I should get copyrights for this.)

47. Where mountains like Makiling and Banahaw are considered as holy places.
46. Where everything can be forged.
45. Where the school is considered the second home and the mall considered as third.
44. Where Starbucks coffee is more expensive than gas.
43. Where every street has a basketball court and every town only has one public school.
42. Where all kinds of animals are edible.
41. Where people speak all kinds of languages, and still call it Tagalog.
(dont remember this. I probably wont write it coz my mom’s Ilocano!)

40. Where students pay more money than they will earn afterwards.
39. Where call center employees earn more money than teachers and nurses.
(I dont think the Philippines was a call center nation already at that time.)

38. Where driving 4kms can take as much as 4hours.
37. Where flyovers bring you from the freeway to the side streets.
(I have always said that EDSA is the one and only main street in the Philippines.)

36. Where the tourist spots is where Filipinos do not (or cannot) go.
35. Where the personal computer is mainly used for games and Friendster.
34. Where all 13 year olds are alcoholic.
33. Where colonial mentality is dishonestly denied! (I dont remember saying this as well, it’s not funny.)
32. Where 4am is not even considered bed time yet.
31. Where people can pay to defy the law.
30. Where everything is spoofed.
29. Where even the poverty-stricken get to wear Ralph Lauren and Tommy Hilfiger.
28. Where honking of car horns is a way of life.
27. Where being called a bum is never offensive.
26. Where flood waters take up more than 90 percent of the streets during the rainy season.
25. Where everyone has a relative abroad who keeps them alive.
(I got a couple of really nasty emails for this one. I had to explain what a satire meant in order to appease them.)

24. Where crossing the street involves running for your dear life.
23. Where wearing your national colors make you “baduy”.
22. Where billiards is a sport, and darts is a bar game.
21. Where even the poverty-stricken have the latest cell phones. (gsm – galing sa magnanakaw)
(This is redundancy, I had made a point about this already. So much for inclusion of really corny cliches.)

20. Where insurance does not work.
19. Where water can only be classified as tap and dirty… clean water is for sale (35pesos/gallon).
18. Where the church governs the people and where the government makes the people pray for miracles. (AMEN TO THAT!)
(again, comment in parenthesis wasnt mine. I don’t say ‘amen’ as a joke. for easy understanding, all statements enclosed in parenthesis aren’t mine!)

17. Where University of the Philippines is where all the weird people go. Ateneo is where all the nerds go. La Salle is where all the Chinese go.. College of Saint Benilde is where all the stupid Chinese go, and University of Asia and the Pacific is where all the irrelevantly rich people go.
(This is DEFINITELY not mine. I mean just the severity of how it went… some bitter non-Chinese guy must’ve written this.)

16. Where fastfood is a diet meal.
15. Where traffic signs are merely suggestions not regulations.
14. Where all the trees in the city are below 6ft.
13. Where being held up is normal. It happens to everyone.
12. Where kids dream of becoming pilots, doctors and basketball players.
11. Where rodents is a normal house pet.
10. Where the definition of traffic is the ‘non-movement’ of vehicles.
(another personal ‘hirit’ of mine. ah copyrights…)

9. Where the fighter planes of the 1940’s are used for military engagements, and the new fighter planes are displayed in museums.
8. Where being an hour late is still considered as punctual.
7. Where cigarettes and alcohol are a necessity, and where the lottery is a commodity.
6. Where soap operas tell the realities of life and where the news provides the drama.
5. Where actors make the rules and where politicians provide the entertainment. (kung gusto mo mapikon, watch the news)
4. Where finding a deer on the road will be a phenomenon. (may deer dito? seryoso kayo?)
3. Where people can get away with stealing trillions of pesos, but not for a thousand.
2. Where Nora Aunor is an acclaimed actress and Boy Abunda is the best talk show host.
1. Where everyone wants to leave the country! (ang saya-saya!)
(this was not my number 1.)

The list began with the words “Hate me for the satire, but find the truth in it.”