I AM THE ONLINE GIGOLO

If you dont yet know, commenting is one of the biggest gifts you can give me as a blogger. It makes my service more fulfilling; a free one at that. You could at least stash a tip.

I try to give every one of my readers a good experience in my site. Even if my visitors are varied – young, old, male, female, fat, slim, stupid, smart, rich, poor etc, I provide them with the same intriguing, romantic, dark mysterious wit that caresses their inner beings.

Who’s hot? Me!

I think of my readers when I write. What makes them happy keeps them coming back; and when they come back, I am fulfilled. I guess I want to connect with them as I write.. that explains the romantic part. The witty side I’ve developed as an added charm. Even the ugly animals love foreplay. Then there are those who want it harsh. And I give it to them harsh. It’s kinky!

A post without comments drains me; it deems my skill impotent. Twice I have thought of leaving this horrid activity. But the idea that I might soon come across the one that will complete me as a blogger made me stay. I’m dreamy like this.. all the time.

Anyway, commenting fuels me to ejaculate my mind and come up with the creamiest posts for you; crop up the best thoughts and words that will greatly vivify your experience. Actually, I am ejaculating it right now.

ANOTHER UAAP SEASON



Fearless forecast: NU will not win this year.

The same story told for the past 70 years, but with a different cast.

Consider the 70th UAAP season a foresight of Hell. Ten kids in a coliseum, a ball to fight over, a color to represent and what do you know – the whole country is watching. Still we accept it as law. Basketball is as much a part of our culture as balut, gossiping, rigging elections and rallying to oust a president. Except we put pretty boys at the helm of this sport. And for what? The pride of many; the pockets of few.

This year will be no different. UP will still not win a championship, Ateneo will still look good doing it, and LaSalle will bring the most irritable taglish speaking crowd. UST will not be expected to do anything, but they will pull off some miracle that would make you wanna pray to Saint Thomas more (than Saint LaSalle). UE will still be 4th and this is still not the year for NU and Adu. Did I forget anyone? FEU or something…

The UAAP serves as a breeding ground for athletes to make money off of basketball until they’re thirty. After which they are adopted to coach, assist or do some weird thing in a company to make them come off as some successful person. Those who wanna make more out of life may even run for office, or get into TV. Basketball, Showbiz and Politics – it is as divine as God the Father, God the son and God the Holy Spirit.

Amen.





Next:Ateneo and La Salle relive rivalry in UAAP

HOW I WILL BE A BILLIONAIRE

The web master in me has sprung forth. He wants to make websites. And being Filipino, I cannot make sites that tread the realm of originality. I will have to make sites that look like rip-offs of what is more famous.

We all thought this about Yehey and Pinoyster; so here’s more:

1. Fuckr
Fuckr is, like its counterparts, a place where you can upload and share photos. However, Fuckr separates itself from competition because of it’s target market – the sexually deviant – people who wouldn’t care to show us the new sex position that’s sweeping the nation, the landscapes that help them get it on, and the best tasting aphrodisiacs. Fuckr also has a slideshow feature which will allow you to spread your hottie collection.

2. Doodle
Since there are no ad serving sites specifically made for Filipinos, I really think Doodle would be a success. The coolest thing about Doodle is that, unlike its counterparts, you can actually tell people to click on your ads. The reason for this is because (1) it will be corrupted anyway, (2) some other pinoy guy will someday put up a site like this and (3) every pinoy earns from illegal clicks.

3. MyPlace.com
Ok, I checked this and the .com is already taken. So I guess I’ll just get the .ph or something. My original concept of MyPlace.com is, of course, to be a Filipino networking site. But more than that, MyPlace will also invite pedophiles, stalkers, sex addicts and all those notorious people who lurk in MySpace where they are not accepted. MyPlace.com will embrace these kinds of people. This along with pinoy notoriety will surely be one great dysfunctional online community. Astig.

4. YahBoi
Let’s face it, we were never satisfied with Yahoo Philippines. When the week’s top searches include Sam Milby and Miggy Morales (Gee-ann’s ex boyfriend), that’s gotta tell of a connivance with the Kapalmuks Network. This is where YahBoi comes in; this time, for biased search results for GMA. YahBoi will promote GMA shows and talents as well their sponsors and events.

Example, when you look for Sam Milby or Piolo Pascual in YaHBoi, the site will pull up Paolo Ballesteros or Raymond Gutierrez as the network’s girly-men. When you search for Ruffa Gutierrez in YaHBoi, we will be putting Regine Velasquez in the results. By this time next year, I expect half of pinoys to be switching to YahBoi.

5. E-Gay
If there’s one thing we should know about the internet industry, it’s that closet kings and queens lurk in it; not only to hitch but also to engage in commerce. Imagine a site that’s guilt free for both the open and closet homosexual merchants of the Philippines – they can sell toys, books, even pictures of themselves. The colors are already representant of the gay community. More than this, EGay will also organize a payment and shipping scheme with another upcoming site called PayPuhl’. (short for PayPuh-lease!)

6. YourLube
Video blogging sites are now everywhere. But none of them, if you notice, and for good reason, is for the Philippine Escort industry. (Yes! It’s an Industry) This is where YourLube come’s in. Imagine prostitution through the net.. it’s guilt free, legal, you get to choose from the guys and girls that you want, see their profiles, and just contact them if you wanna hitch. I think this is a good business venture because it takes out the middle man, the Pimps. No more risky travels to Luneta, Malate, Timog and Lower Antipolo for you, hornyboi!

I think these sites are gonna be worth billions once they push through. Watchutink?!

THE LEGEND OF THE BLACK BIGOTE – PART 5


continued from

“Why are these people here?” I asked The Black Bigote.

“Why not, they’re buying company.”

The bankruptcy was inevitable. Two of the company’s biggest accounts had dropped leaving us on a dead zone. Nothing we could do would save the company. The only way for The Black Bigote to assure continuity was to sell it.

For awhile I did not even look at it this way. That The Black Bigote was trying to make ends meet for more than a year now. That when he asked me to change shifts without any increase, it was a move to save the company. How selfish of me. He tried as hard to keep everything together.

The new owners weren’t as wise as The Black Bigote, they came off more like descendants of the Queen; but not really.. they were canadian-french. And as they surveyed the company they took note of two who were to be kept – a female co-worker and I. The rest were either let go or forced to retire, including him.

I came in late to The Black Bigote’s farewell party coz I had to get a cake from one of the groceries. When I arrived, there were already more people than usual at the office. Like an execution, it was not the easiest day to get over. There were cheers and tears from the everyone. I tried as hard to keep a straight face from the day’s start.

“You’re late!” The Black Bigote said as I entered.

“I deliberately wanted to piss you off for the last time.” I said jokingly as I gave him the cake.

I do not know what it was about that line that made all the girls cry. I guess they would miss all the attraction he and I put together, or maybe it was a reminder of the good times. Even The Black Bigote’s smiles were obviously filled with sadness.

“Look on the bright side,” I told him. “you wont have to scold me tomorrow.”

This was supposed to be the redemption I wanted, the one I had been planning for the past year. How I have misjudged him – he was an admirable man. For all I knew he gave the new owners a good enough recommendation of me for them not to let me go.

It was not until another three months that I would leave the company. This time I was offered an increase but I was not happy with the job anymore. It took another two months for me to work again, this time in dead end job as a grocery store clerk. It would not work out as well for I had already become that sarcastic sonovabitch… thanks to my evil mentor.

As he went past the exit door on his final day. The Black Bigote astonishingly mentions words that would connect to what he had said more than a year before. It proved to me that he was still sharp, that no type of goodness would make him change, and that he wasn’t the asshole I thought of him.

“Tyranny always fails, Paolo. Democracy is the better way.”

(you will have to read part 2 to understand what it meant)

THE END

THE LEGEND OF THE BLACK BIGOTE – PART 4


continued from

Becoming an asshole, I would later learn, takes so much work. The coffee incident started what would be a daily routine of who got the better of whom.

We practiced it during break time..

“Paolo would you like some chicken?”
“Sure!”
“I didn’t touch it. I just spat on one.”

On special occassions..

“Happy birthday Paolo”
“Thanks”
“What do you want for your birthday?”
“I want to be off.”

In our daily activities

“Oooops.” I say seeing that The Black Bigote has missed throwing paper in the trash can.
“Paolo, pick this up.” he says.

On outrageous events..

“Is The Black Bigote here.” a marketer asked
“Do you have an appointment with him?” I answer.
“No. I just want to give this to him personally.” he says while showing me one of those magazine for rich people.
“Oh he just left seconds ago.” I tell the man when in fact The Black Bigote was just behind me listening.
“Really? I don’t remember seeing anyone. What does he look like?” the marketer asks.
“Fat, ugly, really boring and has temper problems.” I confidently say.
“Haha. Looks like someone I’d prefer not meeting him.”
“You tell me!”
“Can you please give this to him.” the marketer says leaving a magazine issue on my desk.
“Will do sir, Thanks”

The man leaves and the office explodes in laughter.

And other forms of harrassment

“Paolo it’s for you.” The Black Bigote tells of a phonecall.
“Ok pass it here.”

…it was a marketer who was just randomly calling. I take care of the call and got back to The Black Bigote.

“That wasn’t for me!”
“WEll, did you deal with him?”
“Yes.”
“Then dont bother confronting me about that phonecall. BLAG!

Sometimes we’d really be at it…

“You did not finish this report because you’re too busy crossing your legs while you work.

He has this thing about the de quatro as a mannerism of the rich, meaning, I shouldn’t be doing it.

“What does my leg have to do with that?!”
“I dont care about your leg, I care about your work!”
“What?”
“You’re lazy”
“You’re the one who mentioned the leg.”
“Paolo, listen to me, that was a metaphor. You have to start thinking!”

An office mate taps me at the back and says, “Paolo turn around and walk away.”

The Black Bigote continued to rant as more voices spoke in the room “Don’t mind him.” “Just get on with your work.” “He’s having a bad day.” “Ice cream, anyone?”

When I get back to my seat, he goes on speaker phone

“Paolo, you’re a coward!”

Sometimes we’d even take it on family..

“I saw your brother at the mall.” The Black Bigote says
“Really, how was he?”
“He wasn’t working, he was just like you!”

The Black Bigote and I had made ourselves attractions in the office. We certainly respected each others wits even as we kept the proletariat-capitalist relationship. Everyday I looked forward on the events that would transpire in the office and we talked about everything – how I would rule the world, the science behind time machines, how leonardo da vinci was gay, what would happen if the US bought Mexico and all sorts of weird things that rich people enjoy with their red wines and dark chocolates.

It was behind these silly small talks and arguments that The Black Bigote hid the reality that would eventually surprise us all – the company was going bankcrupt.