“I prefer a country run like hell by Filipinos
to a country run like heaven by Americans.”
Manuel L Quezon, 1878-1941
As most pinoy cab drivers, barbers, market vendors, illegal loggers and shabu manufacturers, I too have grand dreams for my country. I wish it to be free of debt, corruption, flooding, traffic, poverty, abuse, a church that meddles with state affairs and all sorts of evils (except for prostitution).
Since I AM The 2028 Philippine President, I have been making plans for my administration focusing on all the problems mentioned:
Not everybody will like this but I, as president will have to make the tough decision.. so to free my country from debt I would like to announce that, under my administration, I shall put Mindanao on sale! My reason for doing this is three-fold:
- everybody wants to leave the country anyway, why not send them only 40 minutes away.
- under my plan, all Mindanao residents will gain dual citizenship. That means they remain to be Filipino while enjoying the benefits that Americans have. That is, for most part, the coolness of being called an American.
- because of the first two reasons, I predict that everyone will migrate to Mindanao within months and will thus solve another problem – the over-population of Manila. (which will greatly reduce traffic, pollution and crimes)
Below is the path I will take to solve corruption in the Philippines.
- Under my administration I will make it law to have only two parties – Liberal and Conservative. That or be an independent candidate, which by then will be a stupid idea.
- If I predict this right, the Liberal (Yagbols) and Conservative parties will hold an annual primary (election within parties, usually held on the same day). As these two primaries are of utmost importance, there is reason to believe that all politicians from the country will be taking part. And having all these corrupt bastards in one place is too tempting not to bomb.
- After I’ve massacred them all, there shall be no hindrance in transferring the country onto a parliamentary. The laws will then be revised to suit this “New Order.” That meant eradicating pork barrel, immediate housing for the poor, a faster judicial system, and death penalty for incomplete porn.
Flooding, traffic and poverty will be easily dealt with from all the money America will be giving us in their purchase of Mindanao. In addition, I am certain that America wont hesitate to buy it because they’ve always wanted Asian presence in case they invade North Korea.
Solving Church interference
Under my administration I will ban spiritual advisers. Think about it, Gloria Macapagal Arroyo’s spiritual advisers are from El Shaddai and Iglesia ni Cristo, and you never see her at church. That’s blasphemy! If any type of church want to express views about running the country, they may request for a dialogue with the government which will, at all cost, be private. Or they can just blog about it.
Other sort of evils
Smoking and drinking will be banned in all public places. Taxes of these products will be increased 300% along with softdrinks and coffee. Vics and rugby will also be heavily taxed as to prevent the masses from consuming too much. Jueteng will be legalized. Anyone involved in Shabu and Marijuana will be killed (by Alfredo Lim and his bandits). Cueshe will be banned in all administrative gatherings.